I got to try this Nutchello shit via Crowdtap a while back. I was excited initially because I've been really into trying all these nut milks (why)??? Like trying reg nut milks like almond and cashew (bitch, disgusting) annnnnd idk. I've been having a primarily terrible time, but also fun. It's fun for me sometimes to have a bad time. Like nut milks are gross and I've yet to find one that doesn't taste like dirty semen water mixed with the ugly emo sadness of Edgar Allan Poe, and regret.
But yet!...my search continues. Because these nut milks have a lot of benefits, or like vitamins and shit that are not found in regular milk? I'm a regular milk-drinker (sue me!!) and always have been. Like when I was kid I would just chug down whole glasses like some wild animal?? Or not like a wild animal because who in the jungle or mountains has a glass? I can see like a hippopotamus having a glass...or like a really snobby crocodile. Def a bougie mountain lion named like Fredriquè, but everyone calls him Freddie just to piss him off. Anyway why am i allowed to live :')
Anyway I love milk! But it's kind of fucked up and not okay maybe? Lol idk. I'm still drinking it, but I kind of want to not?? But I'm not finding some healthy bitch equivalent and it's annoying me. So anyway I'm lowkey giving up, while kind of still half-assedly trying these nut shits out. What am I doing with my life...
So anyway!! I got to try Nutchello Dark Chocolate & Walnuts for free which was cool. Like would I have bought this with my own severely lacking coins? Idk. It wasn't even that much...like 2.99 for 48oz??? So not so bad. I think the price used to be higher but lol aint no1 buying this weird shit.
Okay so Silk is really reaching with their little ~*~Benefits~*~ section on their website. How are benefits 90 calories and 14 g of sugar per serving? Like I guess? And then saying no cholesterol and satch fat? Like congrats?? Am I just like an entitled millennial? Like who cares? Also these aren't even really great benefits? Like 14g of sugar is a lot like what are you talking about. But I guess no cholest and stach fat but tbh I don't think either of those things are bad so again who cares? Also they mention some other shit like no dairy, lactose blah. Again, congrats don't care. Yada yada no gmos. Don't care again. No artifish flaves or funny business. Well goddamn, you've got a winner here!! I'm a huge douche, but come on, no one cares.
Actual benefits to point out would be, i don't knowwwww, the vitamins??????? Just a thought. I was amped on this because it has Riboflavin, Calcium, Vitamin D, Vitamin B12!, Zinc, A, and Iron. Like cool. Not a huge amount of all of those like Iron or whatever, but still, pretty cool.
But then you get to ingredients and I want to scream because Silk was talking all that shit about ~~no funny business~~ but bitch what is "Natural Flavor"??? YOU TRIED IT. What is that? Like bye. And yo...........whatthefuck is Locust Bean Gum??? Kinda don't want to know. Likkkkkkkkkkkkkke I'm seeing locust......which is bad enuff, but then you talking bout sum bean gum. Hmmmmmmm...okaaaaaay. LIKE OKAY!!!!
So whatever? Does this taste good, like is anyone as pedantic and annoying as me about some damn ingredients and claims and shit? Like does walnut cum water mixed with dark choco taste good? Good enough, I guess? If you like dark choco this is a pretty good like milk chocolate...sub? Actually...it's lowkey disgusting lol. But that could just be me and my innate retching whenever nut milk enters my mouth. Like it's just always...such a fucking weird consistency. But I guess when you're milking a nut...things are gonna get pretty weird. Like this is alright. I only ever get a tiny bit when I drink it lol like you can't have a whole glass of this mess. Maybe with some ice? I'm not a huge ice person so I just pour it in a cup as is. Half gross, half okayish. Good thing I love dark chocolate.
Now, would I pay for this mess with my actual money dollars? Probably not... It kinda makes me want to just look for a dark chocolate chocolate milk, sigh. Or buy that Organic Valley Dark C Protein Drink that's always out of stock. Drinking this mess is not becoming a hobby for me. However I did see online that someone used this to make ice cream? If I had any components to make fucking ice cream, I would totally buy this just for that, because it'd prob taste pretty good and be healthyish. But this lowkey seems like some shit they're taking off shelves pretty soon so I won't be making any future plans to be doing that. Also I'm lazy and rather just buy ice cream already made? Like who makes ice cream? Ben & Jerry, I guess. But those are established weird dudes. Like do they live together on a barn? I have no idea, I just imagine them as two old bears who live on a barn and they have a bunch of cows and sit around listening to psychedelic music all day while burning sage and being pretty cool and nice dudes. Don't ruin my fantasy!
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