Shit That Hydrates My Dusty Ass Fro

I have...I still don't even know my hair type. I'm a ~natural~, with afro hair. Type 4...something. I always say 4c, but...I don't actually know lol. Cuz I be looking at the  charts and graphs and shit, right? But I be feelin' like none of the patterns match my hair? And like I have curls and zigzags? And I for sure have different textures. Wiry, kinky, coily, straight wtf. And it's like all mixed up. My shit is just...a mess. I mean, I love it. It's mad wild and that's my musty ass aesthetic, I guess. Or, it suits me more than when I was relaxed and trying to assimilate aka look "normal". My body was rejecting that shit like lol no girl ur dirty, weird and greasy, stop the tomfoolery. Not that having natural hair or an afro makes you dirty or greasy, but if you are dirty and/or greasy (ie: me), having "crazy" hair goes with that template better than like straw-straight "relaxed" hair, which is anything but relaxed. If the hair on the back of your neck be pterodactyl screeching out of your ponytail, then maybe the relaxer life is not for you. 

The relaxer life was not for me!! So I'm a natural hoe now. I've been proper natural since 2013, I think. I did THE BIG CHOP like a million times before the last one actually

stuck. It seems like it's been longer, but three years is a long ass time to be dealing with crazy ass hair. And I'm calling it crazy only because I never really dealt with my hair growing up. My hair was not processed when I was a little kid. My mom would either braid it, or press it. But getting my hair pressed took for e v e r. Eventually my mom took me and my wild ass head to the hairdresser's. They would deal with me now. Also, it was just a thing you did if you had a black daughter. My mom is black but she doesn't have hair like mine. She has white people hair, so she wasn't really tryna deal with the mess I had going on. I mean, she did, but it was a lot I guess. Me having a relaxer made things easier. 

So I never really dealt with my hair myself. I would barely comb it in between hair salon appointments lol, so it was lit in a not lit way when I started doing my own hair. This was around...college? I was no longer going to the salon, so I started doing my own perms. lol. That ended well. 

~Going natural~ was mad awkward. I was like "lol......what do I do with this shit?". I guess I started reading shit online? I weirdly never watched youtube videos. I do now, but at the beginning of my ~journey~, the most I'd do was skim some articles. I think I didn't want it to be...a journey. I legit just got tired of relaxing my hair and was like fuck it. Also I have trichotillomania, so a lot of it was shaving all my hair off to see if I could stop pulling it out. I had failed before, so I wasn't really trying to get too into...the idea of even having hair, let alone learning how to style and care for it. I just...wanted to stop having bald spots. But I happily ended up stumbling upon...some article where a woman was talking about having trich and she said shaving all her hair off and then getting really into caring for it and doing all these styles on her short hair distracted her from pulling it out. Then after that I stumbled upon an article about bantu knots. So those two things mixed together...started getting me into my hair and growing it and caring for it and not pulling it out so much. 

Now three years later I have an entire wild animal on my head. I have that mysterious beast from that one episode of Martin on my head. It's lit mostly, but sometimes I be like...killllll meeeeeeeeeeeee. Like, why is there always lint and like bugs and shit in my hair? Why is it so...crunchy sometimes? Why does my scalp refuse to stop itching? Why won't this shit stay moisturized?? It's a lot on a daily basis. I just be looking at my hair sometimes like "Can you...not?". 

I have wayyyy less...complaints and confusion now than I did some years ago, but I still struggle a lot with...keeping it...fed, hydrated. My shit is so dry all the time and I want to die:')? And yes I drink water, so I don't think it's that. Though possibly I have candida so maybe that makes it drier. But I could just have dry, crispy ass hair. Like, that's just what the wildebeest atop my scalp is going for: sahara desert realness. Get into it, ho. 

Mmmm maybe later. Because I recently found two possibly super-amazing items that are hydrating THE SHIT out of my mess: Aussie Total Miracle Collection 7-in-1 Conditioner, and Originals by Africa's Best Hair Mayonnaise. Wait but why is the hair mayo called something else on Amazon sigh did I accidentally buy a knock-off of a knock-off?? That is so me...

Anyway!, I've only used the hair mayo once. But I was immediately in love. I didn't even use it properly, so that's how I know it's legit shit. I deep conned my hair before shampooing, which is supposed to be a major no but I was like whatever. Also the shampoo I planned to use after is really gentle. It's Renpure Originals Argan Oil Luxurious Shampoo. It has no sulfates and is very argan-y, so I felt it wasn't going to strip away all the good the hair mayo did. Which...was a lot of good. It made my shit sooooo like, buttery. I had my hair in these twists when I deep-conned, so idk if that makes a difference, but probably most 4c naturals will twist their hair when deep conditioning anyway. I doubt too many people are just slapping the conditioner on (lol i do this all the time what am i talking about). 

I kept the conditioner in for like an hour, maybe? Had a shower cap on and then a towel over that. I realllly want one of those thermal heating caps...or a steamer or something, but I'm poor. Which is fun! Like I could barely afford this conditioner haha i want to die:') But this shit is the truth. I don't know if my hair is protein-sensitive or whatever, though. I feel like it is? Like anytime I put coconut oil in it it gets mad...crunchy or something, and I read if your hair reacts negatively to coconut oil it's because you're protein sensitive. But wouldn't my hair react bad to hair mayo, too? Idk bitch, I don't know science! I just know my hair sucked this shit right up and I am Elizabeth Taylor now!! 

I had a similar happy as hell reaction to the Aussie 7-in-1. I use this as a leave-in conditioner. I just slop the shit on my head after shampooing and then seal with some oil (castor or walnut), but I almost feel like I don't even need to seal with oil (I'm not not going to tho) when I use the Aussie. There's just...something about it that makes me feel like I can just use that and be fine. I'm not taking any chances tho lol I am not as insane now as I was when I first went natural. I am never not sealing my hair again (done it before and bye @ me!!). But the Aussie really soaks into my hair and makes it all mushy the way I like. It has like aloe and other cool botanicals or whatever shit in it. I am always using this as a leave-in from now on. Loljk imma still be unnecessarily experimenting with shit eventho I know what works. There's definitely a completely perfect product out there, and I will find it. Or die trying. Or die. Hopefully. Please. Please.

Red's All Natural Burritos

These are actually quite basic? I've tried the Chicken, Cilantro & Lime Burrito, the Cheddar & Bean, and the Steak & Cheese. Probably the least-disappointing was the Chicken, Cilantro & Lime. I got excited as hell for some reason when I saw these in CVS. Prob cuz they said "organic". I am such a sucker for fucking buzz words. I don't even inherently understand the value of "organic". I guess...less chemically? But we're all gonna die so who cares? I mean, me. I care. For what reason I'm not sure, but if I'm gonna be slurping down a frozen burrito, I want to feel less like I am just funneling cancer and disease into my colon. So, organic! I mean, am I still going to get like diabetes or whatever for having frozen burritos, organic or otherwise, make up fifty percent of my diet? Yes, and so what?????

But anyway (please kill me), these cost $2.99 a pop at CVS. I forget what it's called, but there's this like foot-long frozen burrito they sell at the dollar store. The package is purple and it says something like PROTEIN POWER SCHLONG!! or something like that, and it's...bean and beef I think. This is a real...shit producer. It's 710 calories per serving, which is one whole burrrrrito. My only issue with buying this particular frozen  burrito...well, maybe there's more than one ish. First: it makes my stomach hurt. In that way...where you're in public and suddenly your gut just crunches in and you have to shit right then and there. And no you aren't going to make it to the bathroom. That's how these seven pound burritos be turning up in my stomach. Also one of the main ingredients is...soybean oil. I just have this major aversion to soy and soybean and alladat. Are soy and soybean even a part of the same fam? Well bitch, they both have soy in the name, so!!!

I am a cheap, broke, ugly ass bitch lol. I want to pay the least amount of money. And I want the most food I can get for the least amount of money. I am not about this Red's ~~ALL NATURAL~~ burritos life. If they tasted amazing, which they do not, I would consider getting a sugar daddy so he could buy these for me all the time or something like that. But these dusty ass Red's burritos do not inspire me to go out and suck some crumbling apart ass dick to get some coins so I can afford to buy them. The nasty ass, butt-ripping burritos at the dollar store, which only cost a dollar, are what I will continue to stick to. They sell José Taco or whatever that brand is there, too. And you can get the Steak and Cheese ones! What is Red's doing that they think they can charge me three dollars per burrito? Oh, it's ~organic~. Well, sweetie:), I guess it organically tastes like shit, so yes, success. 

Nah these are alright. Actually, no. They are pretty gross. The cheddar and bean one was of particular offense to my senses. But like I said up there before getting distracted from expounding, the chicken and cilantro whatever was alright. I took too long to eat it after microwaving it, though, so it was kind of cold and hard? But in its solid cold hardness, I managed to find some crumbs of enjoyment, so imagine what that mess tastes like warm! I guess good job on that one? I see a burrito on the website that says it has braised chicken, sweet potato and quinoa and I...want it :/ I know it tastes like cardboard! I know it! But I want it. Gimme that burrito, Red's! I'm sorry for talking shit please give me that nasty sounding shit right this minute! 

amazon link to buy the chicken cilantro ones; 12 burritos for seventy dollars lol

Silk Cashew Milk (Unsweetened)

So I'm starting my journey to find some shit to put in my coffee that is not milk. Why? Idk, they sayin' milk isn't good for you? Like it has hormones and shit. And is mostly sugar or whatever. I am easily swayed. I am dumb and I am tired, so. Sell to me! 

I was just reading something the other day. And this was...not on a legit site. I do not know what a "legit" site is, but it wasn't like a WebMD sort of set-up. It was like a forum at best, and someone had posted that humans don't even need to drink milk. It just used to be a supplement for diets back in war days or something? Like soldiers were hungry and one of the safest things to send them was condensed milk. And something something the dairy industry kept this campaign up to keep selling to people that milk was necessary? Like they had a lot of milk leftover and needed to sell it?? Girl idk I skim (hah...) almost everything I read, but whatever it was I absorbed, made sense. I concluded that milk is not, like, a thing our body needs? We def need Vitamin D and Calcium and shit, but you can get that from spinach (which i like now despite trauma from my childhood), and other shit. Legumes and shit idk. Also milk has all sorts of hormones? I am already a complete fucking mess, I don't need additional hormones cracking me up further. 

So you're like, okay girl...just don't drink milk. BUT THEN WHAT WILL I PUT IN MY COFFEE?! Sigh, I was supposed to be giving up coffee due to self-diagnosed adrenal fatigue (caffeine literally does not affect me anymore omfg), but I am like, pretty deep into an addiction ahha. It's so cute every time I try to give up coffee and then have a total and complete breakdown five minutes in and start telling myself Inspirational Instagram Quote Pictures like LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO NOT HAVE A GOOD CUP OF COFFEE or whatever dumb shit some fake deep loser is posting that probably actually originated from Linda on Bob's Burgers. But I'm fake deep, too. I be like YAASSS U RIGHT! LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO NOT JUST GIVE IN TO MY ADDICTIONS AND SAY FUCK! ALL!! *maniacal laughter until i wake up chained to a bed in a mental ward* *or strapped* *chained is a bit extreme* *but sexier ;)* *:(*

Anyway, I'm glad I'm not addicted to heroin, or those shows where people go shopping for homes in ~exotic~ areas. The houses will be mad nice but some potato-faced idiot will be like "kmdimeke oe The poooool is toooo smalllllllllll D:" Like, bye, you're living right on the beach. Goooooo...toooooo...thhhhhhheeee...beach?!?!?! I can't deal with those shows but it would be typical of me to like be addicted to watching them so I'm glad I'm not but tbh that's probably gonna be my thirties sigh kill me. I can't believe I've only been alive for twenty-six years. I am so...tired. "Life is too short" is complete fucking bullshit, but okay??? Like stop saying that?? haha *cries*

Wow what was this post even initially about? Something milk something. Oh okay I want to give up milk but still need something to put in my coffee because serious addiction. I was at CVS the other day (which...I hate CVS but I have an ExtraCare card, sigh) and I saw some Silk options. I see CVS tryna get some little health food options. Their selection so far...leaves much to be desired. At least at the CVS I typically frequent. But they had some alternative milk options, which I found to be weird. There were like a lot. I focused on Silk, tho, because I'm familiar with the brand. I actually think I've heard negative things about Silk. Or at least soy milk. There were some soy milk options, but I have these ideas about soy, so I'm trying to avoid it as much as possible. But I do remember drinking Silk Soy Vanilla when I was younger and liking it, so I was like okay maybe the other options are good. 

I got Cashew (Unsweetened) and primarily put it in my coffee. It's not thick enough to give my coffee the...exact creaminess I am looking for. I don't like actual cream, it's too thick and gross. But I do like to have a sort of creaminess added. Milk is actually too thin? It's like I can't find a happy medium. Maybe I should try half and half? But that shit looks so gross. Anyway, cashew milk is not it. Cashew milk is really thin, but also thick? Idk it's weird to explain, but it was disgusting when I ate it with my cereal. I was like ooohhhh...noooo. It's alright in my coffee. I remember I put almond milk in my coffee once and wanted to die and cry at how gross that was. Cashew was amazing compared to that. But meh overall. You know what I might like? Coconut milk. I've yet to try that, so that's next. Watch that be gross, too. I wonder if I should get flavored or regular. Sigh these shits aren't cheap for me to be doing all these taste tests lol. Imma see if I can finagle some way to try some form of coconut milk for free just to see what it's serving the girls. Maybe it'll be from Silk, but likely from some indie ass company. Idc, as long as I can get free shit. Why am I so transparent and non-humble and ugly and demonic? Idk I'm American. 

Bai Andes Coconut Lime

This was lowkey gross and I don't know why I bought it. I need to stop buying these coconut watery type drinks because they only ever taste like semen juice with some stevia sprinkled in it. How do I know what semen juice tastes like? I DON'T! I also don't know what...stevia tastes like either. These ~natural~ artificial sugars are gross af, tho, right? Agave is NASTY! Well, to be fair, I typically only put sugar/sweetener in my coffee. And I drink brolic ass espresso. Even proper cane sugar don't taste good in that...fucking tincture. That shit scalps the hair off your back, so really any sort of sweetness added to that mess is almost immediately rejected. Those weak ass, ~from plants :D!"~ type sugars aren't going to cut it. But why they so chemically-tasting, tho? Is that just my severely damaged from so much processed trash taste buds? They mad nasty... Anyway what was I talking about. I feel like...I was doing...something...

Oh! I was saying how coconut water type items usually taste like semen juice (NEVER TASTED THANK U!!) (maybe someday sigh) (wtf...), andddd stevia. They gross. I haven't had a ton of these drinks, tho, but I feel like the ultimate palate they are going for I am against. There's just something inappropriately thick about the waters and juices, right? The amount of thickness is not proportional to the weak ass flavor. Something is off. This Bai mess was okay. I am actually interested in trying the other ones? But like, coconut and lime? And omg i think the packaging on the bottle made a reference to that Tyga song? Girl wyd...

So deduct major points from Bai for that. If Bai was a Hogwarts Haus they would str8-up be Hufflepuff. Hufflepuff is like the worst house you can be sorted into. Yes, worse than Ravenclaw! At least Ravenclaw is a cool name! But you know what is lowkey the worst house? Gryffindor, right? Cuz uh Harry and 'em. They mad, like, obnoxious and self-righteous. And it's ~all about them~ when it should really be all about Slytherin. Why the fuck would you make a book about magical wizards and shit and focus on the "good kids"? J. K. Rowling, bye! 

I'm screaming what sort of ~product review~ is this? Why do I have this blog. Why do i have lungs and a heart and veins and blood sludging thru them? Girl idk. But I am a solid TEAM NO concerning the lime and coconut mix. I could see it being good in like a fresh drink. Like if I went to Jamaica or wherever and they cracked open a coconut right in front of me and then squeezed a lime into the milk, that maybe would taste good. Like especially if the coconut-cracker uses like a machete and just chops that shit open right in front of me and my entire life flashes before my eyes and I remember that time I called my second grade teacher "mom" and she looked at me like "Bitch, no." That would be a good drink, maybe. But you can't bottle that experience, sorry, Bai. Maybe your other drinks are good? Lol prob not. They all look like semen elixirs. I am not at that point in my life yet where I am straight up just taking shots of cum water. Not yet, but soon. 

Someone...please help me.

My First PINCHme Box!!!

:/

I'm a complaining, ungrateful ass bitch lol. But this samples box is whack. It could be because I wasn't on the website exactly at 12pm to get the first of the lot, but, bitch, who is going on websites at 12pm???

*screaming* ANYWAY!!

So what came in the box was the following mess:

-some SheaMoisture face mask mess from their Peace Rose Oil Complex line. Which seems new, I guess? SheaMoisture be doing the most these days. Their products aren't even really slamming and now they tryna integrate with the white girl hair products aisles? It's like, chile cheez!! I'm tired and I've been over them since I first ~went natural~ back in like '13?? And I bought some mess from the yellow line, idfk what it's called, and that shit was TRASH and cost me like ten dollars which I CANNOT GET BACK! The white girls can have SheaMoisture. But maybe I should calm down lol becuz I've barely used their products, but I got this face mask on rn and this shit is burning?? Eventho the package says all-natural or whatever?? Girl I guess. Maybe I'm just a demon idk

-some Simply Pop popcorn or whatever it was gross but i downed the whole bag in 1 second which did not kill me obviously, and I am disappointed, to say THE LEAST

-Some zzzzquil. I don't want this. I don't take drugs THANK YOU

-Allegra???? 

-okay so i just washed this mask off and it's not so bad lol. Maybe I will use the coupon they gave me to buy some but lol prob not using coupons is mad awk, I just used a coupon today @ the grocery store and i gave it to the bitch too late and she had to get an override. Like I wanted my transaction to be as fast as possible in out little interaction this coupon life is not for me!! ALSO WHY R SELF CHECKOUTS NOT EVERYWHERE??? when the fuck r robots gonna fully take over all the jobs wtf

-a robot could run this blog 1,8493% more efficiently than me

-when will i die

-oh also the box came with some Eucerin in-shower lotion mess but I am sure this shit is EXCLUSIVELY for whites, so imma pass. Some new samples go out on PINCHme mañana but I know my slow ass won't be there until all the good stuff is gone and they handing out fucking truvia sweetener packets like thanx BUT NO

-why am i so entitled and why isn't everything free?????

Folgers Simply Smooth: This shit is disgusting

I got a free tub of this via Crowdtap and was lowkey souped, like yaaaas free coffee. But I was also weary because I primarily drink espresso. Which is...interesting considering I don't have a fucking espresso machine or french press or any of that in which you are properly supposed to make espresso. I just use this cheap $14 automatic drip or whatever I got from Kmart? I definitely do not think I am making my espresso properly with this cheap shit but whatever it's good enough for me. All this is to say that I'm certain I've become immune to regular coffee, now that I almost exclusively drink this espresso sludge I've been cranking out. The last tub of regular coffee I bought was from Maxwell House, I think, and its limpness offended me. So idk why I got souped for Folgers. Especially over some shit designed for people who get upset tummies when they drink coffee. Do I get an upset, rumbly gut when I drink coffee? YES. But I have accepted that's what's supposed to happen? How else will you produce a morning poo?? So I should've known from jump this Folgers Simply Smooth was gon' be some mess. A coffee with the express purpose of not helping me shit in the morning? OH OKAY!

I see...how this beverage is gentle on your stomach. You don't drink it because it tastes like actual human piss, so your stomach remains unrumbled. Ingenious idea, Folgers!!!!! AND HOW DO I KNOW WHAT ACTUAL MAN-ANIMAL URINATION JUICE TASTES LIKE? TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!!